Caregiving for a spouse is a unique challenge. Whether you met your spouse years ago or recently found love, most couples enter marriage as equal partners. Illness, and the necessary care it requires, can create an imbalance that affects your relationship.

If you understand the obstacles and create a plan from the outset, you can find a new balance while keeping the loving core of your relationship strong.

One of the first steps is talking about the elephant in the room. Being upfront about what caregiving requires and any concerns is a good place to start. It’s important to listen to your partner. Plan with the well-being of both you and your spouse in mind. After you look at your spouse’s diagnosis, sit down for an open discussion so you can create a plan.

• Talk about the medical condition. Research treatments, expectations, and anticipated outcomes.
• Does treatment typically include hospital stays, daily medicine, or dietary changes?
• Understand your spouse’s wishes, including what medical interventions they’re comfortable with.
• Discuss potential limitations to the care you can provide. For example, if there are mobility issues, you may not have the physical strength to assist with that portion of care.
• Add caregivers to the team as needed. This may include family, friends, or hired help. Divide the work where you can.

If these conversations are difficult, consider seeing a therapist who can facilitate the discussion.

As a spousal caregiver, you have more of a role in your partner’s emotional well-being than other family caregiver roles. Research has shown that spousal caregivers experience more stress than other types of caregivers¹. Your relationship is 24/7, while many other caregivers have separate families and social circles separate from their loved ones.

Walking with your spouse through lives hardest moments is something you vowed to do, but that does not make it easy. What does emotional care look like? 

• Ask your spouse how they’re feeling.
• Consider counseling, either together for your relationship, or separate. Having a neutral third party can help you navigate your feelings about caregiving and its impact on your relationship.
• Maintain the foundation of your relationship. Even if you cannot go out on traditional dates, plan date nights at home. Watch a favorite movie, order takeout, or take a virtual tour of a destination you both want to visit.

Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is associated with health benefits. Those benefits include lower stress, better healing compared to single patients, making healthier choices, and living a longer life². Learn more about intimacy, including potential barriers and ways to enhance intimacy as you age on the National Council on Aging’s website. It’s important to face any physical or emotional barriers to help reap the full health benefits associated with having a partner during this stage of your life.

Helping with doctor appointments and medical care is an important caregiver duty. Join your spouse for doctor appointments. If you’ve noticed any changes to your partner’s behavior or health, bring that information to the appointment. You are on the frontline of their care and can help the doctor understand what’s happening outside of the exam room.

Doctor appointments are valuable one-on-one time with your spouse’s care team. Learn how to make the most of your appointment. Be an active participant by asking questions and staying knowledgeable about any medical decisions.

Ask your partner to give you access to their medical records so you have permission to view and discuss their healthcare.

Organizing and researching medicine can be a huge help. Consider buying a pill organizer to help keep track of weekly and daily medication. You can watch to see if your spouse misses any pills or has adverse reactions to any of their prescriptions.

Caring for a disabled spouse has unique considerations and may involve addressing specific concerns like mobility assistance in the home and managing daily routines to enhance independence and comfort.

Added a sentence to include “disabled” since there is corresponding search demand for this aspect, and no other current mentions in the article

Part of being an effective caregiver is knowing your personal limits. Whether the level of care advances beyond your ability to manage or you’re diagnosed with a health problem that requires your own care, sometimes you reach a point when you can no longer effectively be the caregiver.

At that point you may need to hire caregiving help, bring in familial reinforcements, or look into temporary respite care.

Here are signs you may need extra help:

• Your spouse begins to need around- the-clock medical attention.
• Your partner will not take your advice or accept your care.
• Responsibilities like maintenance and bills are neglected.
• You’re neglecting your own well-being for the sake of your spouse.

There are resources available if you need help. The Family Caregiver Alliance has a state-by-state map of services³. If you are specifically looking for eldercare, the Administration for Community Living has a state and city search.

If you can no longer drive to appointments, many health plans include transportation. Additionally, there are organizations that help with transportation for seniors including www.transit.dot.gov, www.eldercare.acl.gov , and www.211.org.

You can also investigate respite care, which is short-term care specifically for when caregivers need additional time to rest, travel or take care of other responsibilities ⁴. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re failing as a caregiver, it means you recognize the limitations of your time and want the best care possible for your spouse.

Don’t fall victim to caregiver burnout. Caregivers often neglect their own well-being, including necessary doctor appointments, to focus on their loved one. As a spouse, it’s likely that you’re of similar age to your partner and might have your own medical conditions that need monitoring. Take time for your appointments, as well as caring for yourself emotionally.

Consider joining a support group or plan regular get-togethers with friends who are willing to be a listening ear. There are both online and in-person support groups for caregiving spouses. Talking about the obstacles you’re facing can offer relief.

Learn more about burnout and how to take care of yourself as caregiver. 

Being both a spouse and a caregiver is a difficult balancing act. Even though there is added stress, having a partner is important especially as you age. Growing old together includes hardships, laughter, and love. Embarking on your caregiving journey will help your spouse live a healthier and happier life even as it changes. You’ll be able to support each other through the coming obstacles as long as you focus on communication and remember what makes your relationship strong.

Sources: 

1. Caregiver Stress and Mental Health: Impact of Caregiving Relationship and Gender Margaret J. Penning, PhD,* and Zheng Wu, PhD
2. Why Is Intimacy Important in Older Adults?
3. Family Caregiver Services by State
4. What Is Respite Care?